My Communication Style

This week we were asked to evaluate ourselves and have two others from different area in our life to evaluate us as communicators, I chose my daughter and a co-worker whom I have worked with for 14 years; we have teamed as teachers and mentors. I have to admit this made me a little nervous and curious at the same time.  Nervous because I am my worst critic and sometime very hard on myself, I often use self –denigration attacking myself and all my shortcomings (O’Hair, Wiemann, 2009), thus feeling very inadequate. Curious because I wanted to know how others view my communication abilities, I was surprised at some of the results.

As I mentioned I am my worst critic and when completing the Communication Anxiety Inventory I rated myself as mild because I am at times uneasy in some situations and confident in others, this often is due to the people within the group that I am with, if I feel intimidated by the group or comfortable with them depends on how I respond and interact.  My daughter and co-worker scored me as low, comfortable and confident in most situations.  This surprised me because I thought they would be able to notice my lack of confidence through my nonverbal cues.  My dad used to tell me I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and so I assumed everyone could see how I was feeling inside.  Granted my daughter only sees me with family and friends, but my co-worker and I have been in several workshops together, and have put on trainings for other professional in the early childhood field and presented to the directors of early childhood programs.  If anyone knew my weaknesses she would.  So to have her say I appear comfortable and confident was quite a compliment, and gave me encouragement that what I feel inside is not always displayed on the outside.

The Verbal Aggressive Scale was another assessment of how I relate as a communicator.  All three of us scored me as moderate what surprised me was how close our scores were, my daughter scored me 61, my co- worker 64 and I scored myself as 63.  I know I am not aggressive and often times I would consider myself as none on the scale because I do hate confrontation and often try to find solutions that would avoid attacking or making others feel bad, but through the past two years as a mentor I have learned skills that have helped me work through situations that may be uncomfortable and to have conversations that are sometimes hard especially when you need to confront someone about their behavior or best practices.

 This leads me to the last assessment, Listening Styles Profile I am definitely a people – oriented person wanting to build relationships through empathy.   This appears to be a great attribute and I believe it is, but it can also get in the way of what needs to be discussed and can often lead me to trust others and later find out they did not follow through.  My husband would agree with the interference of judgment, he says I am too trusting of others and allow people to walk all over me.  This is an area that I am continuously working on, because as a leader in our program, I work with staff to help them move forward in their own professional development, and sometimes that requires work plans that are not always empathetic to their situation. 

                                                      

Finding the balance between, being a listener who is empathetic, yet respectful and considerate of others without losing sight of the objectives within the conversations. This balance scales looks like a woman and it reminds me of me always trying to find the balance….. not sure if that’s the Libra and/or the communication style within me either way it is who I am.

References

O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.

Rubin, R.B., Palmgreen, Pl, &Sypher, H.E. (Eds.) (2009). Communication anxiety inventory. Communication research measures: A sourcebook. New York: Routledge. Retrieved from http://mym.cdn.laureate-media.com/2dett4d/Walden/EDUC/6165/04/mm/quiz/quiz_communication/index.html

Rubin, R.B., Palmgreen, Pl, &Sypher, H.E. (Eds.) (2009). Verbal aggressiveness scale. Communication research measures: A sourcebook. New York: Routledge. Retrieved from http://mym.cdn.laureate-media.com/2dett4d/Walden/EDUC/6165/04/mm/quiz/quiz_verbal/index.html

Rubin, R.B., Rubin, A.M., Graham, E.E., Perse, E.M., & Seibold, D.R. (Eds) (2009). Listening styles profile -16. Communication research measures II: A sourcebook. New York: Routledge. Retrieved from http://mym.cdn.laureate-media.com/2dett4d/Walden/EDUC/6165/04/mm/quiz/quiz_listening/index.html

  

Cultural Diversity and Communication

Considering the questions for this week I really thought  I would know my answers and that it would be a “no brainer”. But that was not the case.  When asked Do you find yourself communicating differently with people from different groups and cultures?  I have to say yes, I do communicate differently, I find myself talking with family and friends different, I use slang and my body posture is much different, more relaxed and not as controlled.

When I was with my husband golfing, we met up with a few guys who he works with, and we decided to golf together, I realized I changed my communication style, with my husband, I was more aware of what I said and how I said it.  I have strong convictions about talking negatively about my spouse in public, we can goof off at home and tease, and I even have my frustrations about some of his habits, but the specifics of what those are, I would never complain about to others.  So my speech instantly became guarded and I chose words more carefully. 

 I also believe communication changed because of the gender differences as well.  As a woman among 4 men, I think my body language was more serious, even though I am very comfortable with these men and we have golfed many times, I realized it is still different.

At work my communication style with the teachers  is different  compared to how I talk with parents,  and each parent is also different and therefore I talk differently with each of them.  Some require more in depth questions, others  require a attentive listening and just need someone to talk to. 

As  I continue to learn about communication, I realize I need to be flexible in how I address others, and how I portray myself as available.  I did not realize I could be so guarded in how I present myself.

my strategies are;

1. To focus on the other –oriented view and work towards understanding emotions, perceptions, and try to see it through their eyes.

2.  Be more relaxed and less guarded when talking with others, I want to maintain professionalism but not give the nonverbal cue that I am not available to listen.

3.  When it comes to gender I think I struggle the most, because you want to make sure there is a clear line of propriety, yet not so much that they misunderstand it as rude, snobbish , or mean.  So I will work at making sure I am conversing socially in a way that my nonverbal cues  and verbal cues match the way I feel. 

Silent movie -nonverbal cues

Week 2 –blog

Watching a show with the volume turned off was very interesting.  I realized some facial expressions and body gestures really add to getting their point across.  For instance in the sitcom “The King of Queens” Kari uses her arms when talking, and her facial expressions really let you know what she is thinking.  At one point Kari is at work, the expression she showed on her face was one of being unhappy and clearly frustrated with the guy she was talking to. Her body language was hunched over a bit, her eyes were squinting at him, and then wide with eyebrows raised and lips puckered. With the sound off I labeled her as unhappy.  With the sound on I found out she was passed over for a job, and the guy got it, he was asking her for help. She was more frustrated.

One thing I realized without verbal cues it was impossible for me to know what was actually going on. My version of the plot and the actual one did not match. As for the relationships, I was able to figure those out without verbal cues, the one exception was the older man, I couldn’t figure out where he fit into the family, he just would show up from time to time. 

One of the questions for this assignment was would your assumptions have been more correct if you had been watching a show you know well? I decided to watch a Seinfeld which is one of my favorite sitcoms of all time.  I watched it on silent, and realized I know so much more about them and was able to figure most of what was happening, probably because I have seen every episode.  But the realization that I know their personalities helped me decipher a lot more, and be accurate.

This exercise really shows how important verbal and nonverbal cues work together to help us communicate. We can try to decipher what others are saying by watching their body language, and some of it we will get right, but it is not as clear and effective, we do not hear the inflections and tones of the voice, or the content of the conversation to put it into a context that makes sense.    

My Model for Competent Communication

As I thought about a person who demonstrates competent communication I thought of the director of the program I work for.  I have been in many meetings with her and have watched her run those meetings with integrity and a sense of caring for each person at the table.  She always listens to each person and looks them in the eye, responding with questions or responses that show the people she isr really listening to them.  Even when the person speaking is challenging or being disrespectful, she will address it honestly and without malice. When things get heated she will use a calm voice and remind the group why we are there and what our goal is.  She has a way of making her point without making others offended, they might not like what she has to say, but they seem to understand her position.   I have already learned so many things from her just by watching her work.  She has calmness about her and her body language is one that says “I am listening”.  I would definitely model my communication behaviors after her.  She knows how to run the program, and yet everyone feels comfortable to go to her with ideas, she listens, and responds with honesty.  Her integrity for everyone from the kitchen help to the directors of other programs knows she will listen and give weight to their concerns and suggestions.