Relationship Reflections

My most important relationship is the partnership I have with my husband Mark.  We have been together since 1984.  He became my best friend and confidant when I was 18 years old, and he was 22.  We have shared struggles, heartache, family stresses (extended) and worked through personal struggles together.  Early in our marriage ( 5 years into it) we had a time when I believe our love turned from a physical and surface type love to a deeper love that looked beyond our weaknesses to who we are, and says,  “ I‘m glad you love me anyway!” I think this was pivotal because, at one point or another in a relationship we look at the other and have to ask ourselves, can this relationship last forever, and I believe it then becomes a personal decision to work at being successful, no relationship will last if it is not worked on by both people.  I also believe our faith has had a huge impact on our relationship, we trust in our Creator and put Him at the head of our family, praying for each other, our children, grandchildren, and their spouses is important to both of us. Another one of the many strength in our relationship is that Mark and I share common interests such as golfing, snowshoeing, and biking I guess almost anything we can do that lets us spend time together.  We also are respectful of each other’s need for friends, because while we have a great relationship, we cannot offer everything the other person needs, that is what friendships are for, they offer additional camaraderie that fulfills other parts of our personal needs, and gives us a chance to give to others in a different way.  Part of a healthy relationship is to know your own strengths and weakness, and knowing its ok to need help.  I rely on Mark and he relies on me, not in the needy sense but the “I will be there for you as best I can.” That same understanding goes into other friendships as well.

My daughters are another huge part of our (my) life.  I have had the honor of watching both of them turn into wonderful adult women and mothers.  We talk about all kinds of different topics, laugh and tease and learn from each other.  My girls have taught me so many things and given me insight into topics I never would have thought.  I believe our relationship is strong because, I was a mom first, and during their early years I wasn’t their friend, I was always there for them, and they knew I would listen to them and we could talk things out, but the final decisions about things came from the mom in me first, not to please and be “friends” with them.  Those years were tough, but as time passed from teenage years to adulthood, it is nice to hear them say they were glad I stuck to my decisions. I still don’t always agree with the decisions they make, often in regard to their children, but I have learned this is their time to be a parent and if they ask for my advice I give it, but otherwise they get to learn and use their parental style to raise their children and as always, I will be here for them when and if they need me. 

My friendships with my girlfriends is probably the hardest relationship to continue, life gets so busy, I often find no time to hang out with them, especially now working full time and taking classes has really dampened my personal time and I find weeks have gone by and I have not spoken to anyone but my co-workers, husband and children, and that is ok but sometimes I need the adult camaraderie of woman around my own age, who are experiencing the same internal things I am.  It is nice to share personally things that they can give insight to and work through situations other people do not understand.  It is also fun to get together and just have fun, laughing, and sharing commonalities.

In addition to these relationships are my relationships with my family and my in – laws. These relationships are important for me because my siblings have known me my whole life, and while we don’t talk every day, we are still close, we can get together and if feels like we never left.  My parents both passed away 10 and 12 years ago, but we decided to keep the farm as a place to return and be together.  I have a brother who stays there and maintains the place.  I have been told many families do not get along and struggle with their relationships, and from experience I notice that is true, but my family can get together and we all get along and have fun. As a whole group we have had to make some big decisions about the family farm, and what I notice about my siblings is that we are able to see each other’s perspective and often think alike, materialism was never apart of who we were growing up and for the most part we understand it cannot replace relationships, so maybe that is why we are able to come to conclusions and decisions so easily. 

                As my in – laws go, I have a good relationship with them too.  We spend many holidays together and birthdays.  Marks sister is very good at planning family events and makes sure everyone is invited, you can count on her to be sensitive to the needs of others, she is the cornerstone of the family, and often the nephews and nieces go and spend time with her.

I think the challenges to relationships is creating time to spend with the people, and realizing each person has something to contribute, even if that contribution makes you uncomfortable, learning how to except what you do not always want to hear, and using it to mold your character so you can grow and change and learn more about ourselves and others will help with each new relationship or partnership we find ourselves. 

As I reflect on the different partnerships I realize just being in a big family has helped me learn how to except many different personalities and adjust to each ones needs without compromising my own.  Raising my own children and being an integral part of their life has opened my eyes to watching how young people view parenting, and the struggles they feel and see within their daily life, they are trying to balance work, family, and relationships/partnerships as well.  Seeing them stress out over expectations society has put on parents to be perfect and as my one daughter said, “Looking down on me when I make a mistake, like now I’m not a good enough parent.”  Reminded me how important judgment on others can be seen through actions more than my words. We really do not know the minds of others and we should not assume the worst, but seek the truth. I believe this is what will make us successful when building relationships with the families we serve.